The Secret Life of Bees
I just finished reading 'The Secret Life of Bees' and felt compelled to write this.
I haven't cried this much over a book since 'The Bridges of Madison County".
I felt a real connection with the main character of the story because my mother also died under unusual circumstances when I was four years old and I too may have played a role in her death. It wasn't until I was about Lily's age (14) that I finally learned the truth.
My mother had been depressed for some time before she died. On the day of her death, she was convinced I was drowning in the pond behind our house. I recall standing in front of her saying, "I'm right here, I'm not out there" but somehow she couldn't see me. The only other thing I remember is that she was found dead in the pond the next morning. Everyone assumed she killed herself. Did she or did she drown trying to save me? If she did kill herself, why would she leave me? Didn't she love me?
After my mother died, she was never spoken of again. It was like she never existed. When I was about 8 or 9, I saw my mother's name in the church bulletin. Her friend was giving a High Mass in her honor. I had never known her first name. I had to write it down because I knew I couldn't possibly remember it. I wrote 'Philomena' on the back of an index card I had for a school project. I used to take the card out sometimes and just be mesmorized by her name. I had never heard of that name before. It was as mysterious as she was. To this day, I have still that project and my mother's name scrolled on the back of the first card.
Many years later, I learned that my mother had thought I was in danger for sometime. While I can never know what actually happened, I believe she was trying to save me. Of course, that brings up a different set of feelings that I'm not sure is much better.
About 20 years after her death, I finally spoke to my dad about it. I, along with my sister, told him that my mother was looking for me earlier that day and that she thought I was in the water. Since we never talked about it and since he wasn't home at the time, he never knew. He just assumed she killed herself. That was probably the greatest gift I could have ever given him. I believe a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders. He began to speak of her (a little) and I think it gave him some peace.
To this day, I still don't know a lot about my mother. The city where I live has been called the armpit of Connecticut but it will always be special to me. It is not where I grew up but it is where my mother did and it helps me to feel connected to her. I always wanted to write a novel about this but now it would seem like I was a copycat. Of course, this actually did happen to me.
I just had to tell someone this.
I haven't cried this much over a book since 'The Bridges of Madison County".
I felt a real connection with the main character of the story because my mother also died under unusual circumstances when I was four years old and I too may have played a role in her death. It wasn't until I was about Lily's age (14) that I finally learned the truth.
My mother had been depressed for some time before she died. On the day of her death, she was convinced I was drowning in the pond behind our house. I recall standing in front of her saying, "I'm right here, I'm not out there" but somehow she couldn't see me. The only other thing I remember is that she was found dead in the pond the next morning. Everyone assumed she killed herself. Did she or did she drown trying to save me? If she did kill herself, why would she leave me? Didn't she love me?
After my mother died, she was never spoken of again. It was like she never existed. When I was about 8 or 9, I saw my mother's name in the church bulletin. Her friend was giving a High Mass in her honor. I had never known her first name. I had to write it down because I knew I couldn't possibly remember it. I wrote 'Philomena' on the back of an index card I had for a school project. I used to take the card out sometimes and just be mesmorized by her name. I had never heard of that name before. It was as mysterious as she was. To this day, I have still that project and my mother's name scrolled on the back of the first card.
Many years later, I learned that my mother had thought I was in danger for sometime. While I can never know what actually happened, I believe she was trying to save me. Of course, that brings up a different set of feelings that I'm not sure is much better.
About 20 years after her death, I finally spoke to my dad about it. I, along with my sister, told him that my mother was looking for me earlier that day and that she thought I was in the water. Since we never talked about it and since he wasn't home at the time, he never knew. He just assumed she killed herself. That was probably the greatest gift I could have ever given him. I believe a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders. He began to speak of her (a little) and I think it gave him some peace.
To this day, I still don't know a lot about my mother. The city where I live has been called the armpit of Connecticut but it will always be special to me. It is not where I grew up but it is where my mother did and it helps me to feel connected to her. I always wanted to write a novel about this but now it would seem like I was a copycat. Of course, this actually did happen to me.
I just had to tell someone this.
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